Lucky Lady

Love my 'catalogue men'

With St. Paddy's day tomorrow, I feel like I've gotten a wee bit 'o luck from the Irish this week as I got two nice messages!  One by way of post from a lovely lady I met in Morocco (the only thing better about getting non-bill mail is getting a postcard with 'catalogue men' from the 70s!  Sweet dilly, this is going on the fridge!!!  Thank you friend - you made my week!).  And another by way of a quality OkCupid message:


Dear Hiring Manager: 

As someone with measurable success in both life, and increasingly, in Senior Long-Term Boyfriend roles, I am submitting the following application for the opening that you have indicated. 

In my attached profile you will find that I possess a number of skills relevant to the position: gainful employment, a sense of humour, a strong desire to travel (evidence: 2 full passports), adept spooning skills, mastery of Ikea furniture assembly, as well as a basic command of the English language. Finally, I am not, as they say, ‘lost’ in the kitchen. 

As you will also notice, I’ve managed to keep my shirt ‘on’ in my profile pictures, and refrain from posting excessive pictures of my car, which does an excellent job of getting me from point A to point B. 

I very much look forward to hearing from you, and getting to know you better.... 

Warmly, 

Mr B :)


Fun, light hearted, could be copy and pasted, but at least creative!!  I shall meet him tonight (yes, a date!).  Let's see what this here fine lad has to offer a fair lady like meself!  Happy St. Paddy's Day, now go get lucky!

Strange from Santa Cruz

Online dating is fun for two reasons and two reasons only: (1) the opportunity to meet someone awesome who thinks you're awesome too OR (2) to simply laugh at the absolutely ridiculous profiles and messages!  Mostly funny, sometimes objectifying and always a good reminder of how online dating is an absolute crapshoot.

I recently got the following messages from Seeking Substance from Santa Cruz... and well, they were just too good not to share with y'all (I've highlighted the best parts):

Hey there I saw your profile. We are on two disparate parts of the continent, so it is unlikely that anything meaningful relationship-wise could materialize from this email. That said, your photos are so striking. There are tons very attractive gals in the states, but there is something very unique about your look. What could it be? Canadians have significant English and French heritage. What is your ethnicity? I noticed from your profile that you respond the least frequently if you do write back please know it wouldn’t be for relationship reasons. It would just be for harmless chat. If however I were writing for relationship types of reason , I (1) would have talked about your physical appearance , and (2) I would have told you how impressive and how idealism and atheism resonates with me .


Author's notes: Something unique about my look?  Perhaps it's my exotic strawberry blonde hair?  
And have I just been told to not reply with the intention of beginning a relationship on an online dating site??  Hmmm... even if I wanted to, doesn't that defeat the purpose?


I didn't message back, but did check out his profile and got this message:


Hey there. I just noticed that you stopped by my profile after I sent you a message. This time around I noticed how much you have traveled, I am sure you are wiser for it. What a perfectly symmetric face you have, you are stunning. BTW I had curried garbanzo beans tonight.


Author's notes: I guess symmetry is a real turn on!?


I didn't message back (again), but he still messaged me (again):


Oh by the way, are you with doctors without borders?


I messaged back:


Hi, 

Thanks for the message. I appreciate the compliments. I noticed you're from Santa Cruz, CA. Unfortunately, that kinda distance is a bit of a deal breaker for me. I hope you understand. 

Thanks, 

M.


His response: 


I get distance as a deterrent, it is not palatable for me either in a dating situation. Although I can’t denied how attractive I find you and that your body is more impressive than your face ( Incidentally, I wouldn’t complimented you like that if I were interested in dating you, I would be coming on too strong) , I was principally interested in email exchange light banter. For example I noticed that you are in Canada. I am a left of center , demand side guy , so of course I would be interested a native Canadian’s opinion about his or her health care. Anyway my objective is not to harass you, if I hear back from you great, if not best of luck to you.


Author's notes: Is he actually complimenting me by saying that my body is more impressive than my face?  And just so that you know all of the photos of me on my profile I am fully clothed (like fully clothed with a cardigan and all).  And if you wouldn't 'compliment' me like that if you wanted to date me, don't 'compliment' me like that if you don't want to date me.  And how do you go from objectifying me to wanting to talk about health care and policy!?  You're strange Mr. Seeking Substance.  I don't want to talk to you, but I did enjoy laughing at your messages and sharing it with all my friends!!! :)


Weirdly enough we were rated as 93% match, 82% friend and 11% enemy.  Blagh.  And the search continues.

Be-friending the ex

Be-friending an ex seems to be pretty clear.  I've found in my discussions with friends that it can be possible under certain circumstances (i.e. both parties mutually fall out of love) or not possible at all (all other circumstances).  The thing is my ex and I were never just 'friends'. We had met online with the intention to click with someone and well... we clicked.   So when I grew unhappy in our relationship the hardest thing to imagine was letting go of the companionship that we shared... the friendship that we had built.  I always thought that if my ex and I broke up that we would be able to continue to be great friends.  So when we did break up I never expected him to ignore my calls, send distant replies to my emails and to not initiate contact with me at all.  When we broke up, I thought we were ending our relationship, I had no idea that he was breaking up with me as a friend too.

To add salt to the wound, shortly after our break I had heard some really hurtful things that he had said to others, although he denies them all, it's hard not to believe them when I was thinking these 'hurtful things' already.  And then when his denials came from a defensive place rather than a place of concern and confusion, I couldn't help but believe my gut.  His actions and words really didn't acknowledge the hurt I was experiencing and he never admitted to his own hurt feelings or loss of the relationship we had had.

Back in the fall, a couple months after I had deleted him from Facebook I found out that he still hadn't deleted any of the photos of me.  I had deleted him from Facebook in part because of the hurtful things I had heard and in part for finding him online dating weeks after we broke up (I mean honestly, I get that the easiest way of getting over someone is meeting someone new... but he really couldn't have waited longer than 2 weeks!?  We were planning on moving in together!).  Him having photos of us as a couple bothered me. I had already deleted all photos with him... I just really couldn't bare to look at photos of us being 'happy' wondering if he even loved me then.  I didn't understand why he didn't delete the ones of me!?  Why keep them?  So after having a bit too much wine with a friend over dinner I decided to email my ex and ask him to delete the photos of me on his Facebook because someone might think that he cares about me (yep, that's what I said, this is why I avoided alcohol for the first month after the break up... ! D.A.N.G.E.R).  He responded letting me know that he still does care about me and that he would like to keep some of the photos of us.  I responded by saying that 'care' could really mean anything... you may 'care' that I don't get hit by a bus, OR you may actually care about me and be sad that we aren't chatting, I asked him to delete all his photos of me, and he did.

But that got us talking and so we corresponded back and forth for a little while and finally decided to meet.  We both seemed to want to work on a friendship, although in the back of my head I questioned whether or not he wanted to be friends to clear his conscience or not, but thought best to meet him and figure it out in person.  When we met we spent about an hour just chit chatting and then we got down to 'business.'  I asked him what kind of friends he wanted to be, he said the type of friends that run in to each other and can catch up and chat, that can gmail chat and have quick catch ups and maybe catch a movie every once in a while (you know, the very low maintenance kind of friends).  Unfortunately, I wanted something very different, I wanted OUR friendship back.  My expectations may have been a bit unreasonable, but I had talked to him pretty much everyday since we had first met... and honestly, it was still quite soon after the break and I really just wanted a lot to go back to being the same, minus the sleepovers, the errand running and the intimate stuff.  And well, he had lost my trust, so we weren't 'low-maintenance' friend material, he needed to earn my trust back.  But he said that it was important to him that we be friends and if that meant he needed to earn my trust back to get our friendship back then he would do it.  Wanna know how good he's been since our meeting?  Well he's cancelled on me, he's called me up one Saturday to see if I was free in about 30 min, and then sort of cancelled on me again by telling me that he wasn't able to meet me before my trip to Morocco because he has to work late (my ex worked late oh about 3 times when we were together, and worked no later then 6 PM... so ya, I didn't really believe him).

Almost all my friends think that my ex doesn't deserve my friendship, one of my friends has even admitted to getting her back up when his name is mentioned because she is so disappointed in his actions, my family generally think he's been a jerk since we broke up, my boss (yes my boss knows all about the break up) even said to me 'Megan, if he didn't give you what you wanted in your relationship, he most likely won't give you what you want in a friendship'.  So here's the question... why the hell do I want to be friends with this guy!?  Am I that much of a glutton for punishment???  Have I had a secret relationship lobotomy where I'm a complete dufus when it comes to men I've had feelings for??  I mean really what's wrong with me!?  And then a friend of mine gave me some perspective, she understood my desire to be friends with this guy who really hasn't given me a whole lot in return and said 'Megan, it makes perfect sense, you've spent nearly 2 years working at this relationship, putting endless hours in building a friendship and just like that all that work has been 'wasted' (sort of like working for the government, you do a whole lot of work that more likely than not gets tossed).  And it's true, maybe I'm not a masochist so much as I'm a total type A personality... in both my work life and my relationship life... I want to be the best girlfriend ever, and if I can't be that I'm going to be the bestest friend... totally weird, but it is so my MO.  I sometimes wonder if I did get everything I yearned for from my ex (a genuine apology for leading me on because I was convenient help for him, for being a coward when we broke up by taking the easy route, and acknowledging that I was and am a pretty awesome person and that he is embarrassed for taking advantage of my kindness), if this was done, I just might be able to put this relationship to rest because my efforts will have been recognized.  Why I feel I need this, I don't know.  Will I ever get it... um, probably not.

As for a friendship... I think I'm slowly coming to terms that my energy, kindness and effort is better not wasted on someone who may just 'care' that I don't get hit by a bus.  Have I failed?  Well, I don't know. I think what I have to learn is that when you give someone all your love you've never failed, no one's perfect, everyone makes mistakes, but it's how you handle those mistakes that matter, how you choose to treat someone, including an ex-lover matters.  At the end of the day I can only control what I do.  It's up to my ex to figure his own shit out, it just sucks that I was a by-product of that figuring out process.  And who knows, maybe when he's figured his shit out, he will recognize how much I put in to our relationship, and the caring friend that I am and maybe, just maybe he will be willing to put in that same effort in to a new friendship.  He's just not ready yet, and I'm not ready to work on a friendship until he's there.

Break ups

Source: http://cristian-retamales.deviantart.com/

Break ups are awful, aren't they!?  There really isn't anything good about a break up.  The breaker feels pretty awful and is vulnerable to having large objects thrown in their general vicinity and the broken is exactly that, broken.

But the thing about break ups is the feeling is universal.  When my ex and I broke up, even though I wasn't happy and was ready to walk away my heart still shattered in a million pieces.  An experience that I thought only I could feel, that only I understood.  But to my surprise everyone that I shared the break up with, my friends, family, and coworkers (even my boss) felt what I felt.  The one thing I never really felt when my ex and I broke up was alone.  I remember we broke up on a Saturday morning, I went straight to my sister's place, followed by my parents the next day and in no time had a different friend booked to meet me at every lunch hour and dinner time for the next two weeks.  Each of them carefully listening to each of my words between sobs, empathizing and providing gentle and kind words in return.  With each 'phase' or 'feeling' I was experiencing all I got was support.  When I was sad, they felt sad for me, when I was angry, oh did they feel angry for me, when I felt lost, they were lost with me.  They without fail let me know how much they love me and how amazing they think I am.  Even after locking myself in my office one day and sobbing for nearly two hours, my friend who had taken on this particular lunch time shift told me I looked great and was impressed with how together I was.  I thanked him and then admitted to being a blubbery mess for the majority of the morning and was sorry that he had to endure the next hour with me.  His response 'ah, don't worry about it, I'm glad I can be here' (this was also the guy that took me out to a Blue Jays game a couple weeks later so I could get drunk and watch men in tights swing their bats and throw their balls around... this is the point of baseball, isn't it?).  Now that's a friend!

Funny how the loss of one love can remind you about the enduring love that surrounds you.  This break up was harder than any other break up for me, in part because I gave him so much of myself... my love, my support, my hands for help, my voice for advocacy and my future, I was willing to give him my future.  I've come a long way since the break up and often feel like I should be a lot further ahead (it's the Type A in me).  I have moments (like the one right now as I write this post) where for whatever reason I'm reminded of the fun my ex and I had, how my life has changed since we met, how I've grown since we've parted and of course that unrelenting hurt of him never having acknowledged who I was in our relationship and the caregiving role I was asked to take on.

They say time heals all wounds, it's been over 6 months.  According to Charlotte from Sex and the City I should be over this break up in exactly 4 months (half the total time the relationship was).  I'll let you know how I'm doing in 4 months, but what helps me now are catchy break up songs like this one... they remind me how universal heart ache is and how I'm not a pathetic nutball for still shedding a tear every now and again.

A Map of Love

One of the best things about OkCupid is that with all the questions you answer they can generate some pretty random stats based on your profile.    As you know, I recently signed up for a brand spanking new profile and was sent an email about where I will most likely find love around the world.  Not joking!  This is what the message said:

We just finished programming this experiment toy.
It generates heat maps of where your best matches are, all around the world.  You're not in the US, but we even threw in the states, in case you visit.  Here are your results.  All for you.  Calculated from your match answers, in graphical form.  Enjoy!

Although they didn't give me specific data for Canadian provinces, it actually looks like I'm not quite as 'hot' as I would like to be... no wonder I can't get any good dates! 

So let's take a closer look.  First up the great and United States of America.  Not surprisingly, I'm gettin' some sweet lovin' from California, most of the West cost, and most of the Yankee states (I'm a little shocked that I'm getting so much love from Florida...?  Frankly, the only Bush I'm concerned with is my own... sorry, too much, right!?).  And again, not too surprised that I'm getting snubbed across the bible belt and up the Appalachian states, my free-lovin, left-wing views and liberal thinking are not welcomed there (the fact that I'm an atheist probably doesn't help either). 

Now for the world.  Ok, so weird that I'm cool on the Canadian side and in fact 'America', North and South continents, don't seem to care much for me, with the exception of Argentina which is a nice light mint green.  I'm not even so popular down under or in the UK!?  Huh!?  I just realized that no English speaking country really cares for me!!!???  I suppose I should be speaking the language of love, not of my mother tongue.  And if Kiwi's don't like me, does this include the beautiful Maori men that roam this sweet island too???  Maybe I should just cross this fantasy off the list now and save myself the trouble.

So what countries are hot for me??  A little surprised that China and Russia are sending me some love.  Not too much love in Eastern Europe, but Western Europe is where it's at (or where I should be at).  Not surprised that the progressive Nordic countries are sending me some love.  Not sure if I can compete with the tall beautiful blondes that populate that country, but perhaps the natural strawberry tone in my hair will make me look exotic, plus me and my love could share our 45 SPF sunblock while on holiday!?  And I'm sure Italy, Spain, France and Portugal are some shade of green for everyone, they just love to 'love' women, and with the feminist movement in Portugal... I may just find myself a feminist man!

What is most shocking is the country that is hottest for me is Israel!?  A hotbed of religious and political activity, I'm not so sure how this here atheist and pacifist is so desired?  I do love a good latka though, and enjoy a man in uniform... but the only guns that I want to be touching are some muscly arms, nothing automatic!

So there you have it!  I'm as cool as the weather in Canada... and as hot as a Finish sauna in Scandinavia.  Perhaps some Swedish meatballs are in order!?  Don't think I'll find any Swedes at my local IKEA though.